I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The shinbone (tibie-cred) is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here"
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